Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
wtf management?!
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.