*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.