Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?