[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
he chose this
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex