First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
They did not miss in the small print
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.