So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.