Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “