I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”