If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread