In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week