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Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card