Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I have so many questions.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.