Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
A dad and his duck
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman