chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Dyslexics are teople poo!
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.