‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The three genders
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*