‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
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*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.