OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
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my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ