My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
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The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
😂😂
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.