*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”