Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Breaking news:
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Breaking news:
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.