Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.