TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
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Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me, flirting😏
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know