HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with