Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Help Wanted

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.