HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime