[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.