My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
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My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL