someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
we did it you guys we saved daylight