[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Spring of Deception
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.