Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
This is what makes twitter great
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.