Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.