You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.