You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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A family that plays together cheats.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Friends that check up on you >
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink