Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.