I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
So inspired right now.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*