The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no