If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
You Might Also Like
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.