@weinerdog4life

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

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@amishschool

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

@murrman5

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

@HatfieldAnne

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

@NewDadNotes

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

@robfromonline

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

@SortaBad

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

@ItsAndyRyan

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

@broodingYAhero

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

@BoomBoomBetty

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]