“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?