power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
You Might Also Like
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The Birdles
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.