Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
You Might Also Like
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it