a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.