My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me