*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
#Caturday
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I have never related to a cat more
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Netflix: We have Less
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”