Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.