Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”