Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
britain’s three elite institutions
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice