I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
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If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.