It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
You Might Also Like
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
hmm conte-me mais
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.