Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
You Might Also Like
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
We like the way Dwight thinks
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”