This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.