I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”