interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
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*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….