In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Super Hand Dog Face
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week