I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”