If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?